Summer's here, hear the yell, done with school, no more bells!

Well, well. So this is what it feels like to relax!

Yes, summer has arrived. And with it has come a beautiful, much-needed reprive from the constant scurrying from place to place I've been doing all semester. It's really quite odd how everything slowed down at once, as if all my activity were a swarm of bees traveling together and finally passed through and onward. I did manage to get a job, but they are only giving me three days a week of work, so I have had a great deal of down time so far.

I know I've said this before, but I'm a knucklehead and will make the same realizations a thousand times before I actually slow down and start living by them. But what I've again come to understand is that you really have to slow down before you can appreciate your life to the fullest. This semester, I was running from class to work to frisbee practice to the point where I would, at worst, be in 5 different places in the span of a few hours. I did everything because I liked them all individually, but when squashed all together, I was miserable because I didn't have sufficient time for any one thing, not to mention the individual people in my life.

Summertime thus far has given me the gift of time. I've had time every evening since I've been back to sit down and eat dinner with, or cook dinner with, friends, Chris, or Chris and friends. The last time I had sat down and played my guitar for the simple joy of it was much longer than I wished for, and in the past week I've been able to at least three times. My bathroom is finally decently clean again as well! Oh lovely, lovely, lovely.

But here's the thing: it's really hard to realize you miss having free time when the things you can fill your time with seem like so much fun. I suppose the fact that I haven't been working as much as I'd like truly is a blessing.

Even when I do work more, though, I don't think that it will measure up to the craziness of a college schedule. Having a job, you're in one place, and then you go home...

I'm ready for the "real world," I think. Or maybe I just need to choose to make the "real world" that I'm in right now, college or no college, slow down a little so that I may enjoy life that much more.

I took a walk and observed a beautiful sunset sky tonight...

It's going to be a good summer.

Oh, to breathe.

Yesterday I listened to a sermon at church called "serenity in a drive through world." And I may have heard and read and been talked to about this matter of the over-busyness and over-stimulation of our culture, but never have I felt it more applicable to my life than right now. Kevin asked the congregation: do you ever feel exhausted before you even get out of bed? Being tired. Busy. On-the-go, constantly thinking about your next move, or your next 27 moves... that seems to be not only my life right now, but most of the people around me. I've read friends' blogs lamenting the same things, seen it in action, asked people how they are doing and heard the responses "tired," or "busy" far more times than I'd like to.

Why?! I literally woke up this morning and began going through a list of everything I needed to to today, and even tomorrow. I feel like I've run a marathon before I've even done anything.

Oh, but then I am reminded in some small way that life is not about pressing the fast-forward button. As is my habit, I grabbed a cup of coffee and signed onto my email and facebook to check on any updates. My roommate Jen was leaving the house, and as she was leaving, I promised her I would check out her photo blog.

Whew. There's the breath I'd had yet to take today. Her blog, which is a class assignment, is comprised of a picture each day of something that matters to her, or something that inspires her. Almost every one of her pictures was of someone important in her life, and her having a wonderful time with them. To me, it was a reminder that life is not about getting as much done as I can in a span of 24 hours minus 6-8 for sleeping... but it's the people and relationships in your life that matter. What does it mean if I get everything done but do not even hug my roommates, or tell my boyfriend that I love him, or even smile at a random passerby on the street? Bah. Breathing, breathing.

Thank you, pastor Kevin, for delivering the message that I needed to hear. Thank you Jen, for being you and reminding me to breathe and laugh. Oh, and I teared up a little at your pictures this morning, ask Tali. ;)

To my random blog-readers: do yourself a favor and walk a few laps of that marathon you're probably running in your head. And maybe stop for tea with a friend along the way. You might not come in first, but at least you'll come in smiling.

Love!


Oh, to be here again... (i did... not take this. haha)

Just Life.

Having a blog, I feel so much pressure to come up with something deep or inspired to write on here... because why would someone want to read about my boring ol' life? Is it arrogant to think that anyone would have any interest in reading about my life? I suppose that if I am to blog, it's just got to be for the sake of writing, or for the sake of those who really care about me. Let's be honest here- my life is nothing spectacular.

But that's the thing... who am I to judge whose life is spectacular and whose is not? This semester, I'm getting weekly counseling sessions from a grad student in exchange for one unit. Although I didn't go into it with the intent of working out a deep issue that I have, every session I am able to talk... and talk... and talk... about my life. She always thanks me for sharing my "experience of life" with her. And I realize: she is not the same person as me, she has different experiences with people, different feelings, different things she loves, different places she goes and different activities she partakes in. Everyone's experience of life is so different... which is why even I occasionally get sucked into random person's blogs and reading about the most mundane-seeming things in their lives. Creepy? Maybe. But I'm a psychology student. People and their diverse personalities and life experiences fascinate me.

Anyway. I suppose the point of this blog was me working out my own thoughts as to why I shouldn't, in fact, feel pressured to come up with something inspired. Maybe it won't be particularly grabbing to everyone who reads it, but this is my life, and it's not the same as yours!

"Just life" is inspired enough...

My life today... consisted of:

waking up very late
chomping some plain yogurt and natural pb smothered on whole wheat toast
laughing at Days of Our Lives with my roommates
laughing at my roommates for being totally sucked into it
running outside
pondering the extent of my transformation to hippie status as I strolled through oliver's market
making a green smoothie
making dinner
playing frisbee in the rain
drinking tea with frisbee team after being soaked outside
riding home on my bike in the rain
taking the most magnificent shower... ever (warm!!)
wearing sweatpants
eating dinner made earlier
falling off of tali's bed
exchanging texts with carissa about doing beadmaking soon
excessive amounts of blogging.

C'est la vie!! You bored yet? That was probably boring...

I'm obsessed with blogging again! Bahhhh!

Modern Day Vagabond?

Here I am, sitting outside on the lovely porch of the home in which I currently reside, hearing the soft sound of one neighbor's windchimes to my left, and the soothing tinkle of another neighbor's water fountains on my right. It's that time of afternoon where the wind is beginning to pick up and leave me feeling chilly in spurts between sunshine and cold air. I love this backyard.

But yet! For the past couple of hours I have been combing online ads for a new place that my six roommates and I shall live next year. A long, tedious, process it is. I love this place, but just as I have been fond of each of the three places I have lived over the past three years, I am sure that the next place that we move our beds to will be charming in some new way of its own. I feel like a modern day vagabond, as a college student... moving from one place to the next, never unpacking all the way because I know that the place I lay my head this month is only temporary. Do I like this? I do not know... All I know right now is the peace that I feel sitting here typing this ramble-ous (word?) bit, and I hope that I can continue to find beauty and peace in the midst of this vagabond-ish lifestyle of mine...

Until next time, dear readers.

the sweet essence of winter break.

Gloomy rainy day, plus excess amount of lemons, plus hungry stomach, plus excess time on hands = delicious lemon scones that made me :)

Do yourself a favor... bake something today!

good day, bad ending

I love longtime friends. Being away at college most of the time and having made a lot of new wonderful friends, I think I take old friends very much for granted. This is slightly cheeze- but remember the old Girl Scout song, "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold?" Now I know what that means. New friends are wonderful, but there is a certain comfort in spending time with people that you've grown up with and share a common background with. I spent time with Misha and Kristen today, whom I've known since 3rd and 7th grade, resepectively. Wonderful!

Kristen and I went on a spontaneous hike up and around the ridge in the morning. Another thing I've come to appreciate since moving away- Pleasanton beauty. I grew up in a beautiful valley surrounded by foothills that are often brown, but are amazing during the rainy season when they are green. Especially when you hike up to a place on the ridge where you can see beyond the actual city of Pleasanton and to all the surrounding, empty land. Green, beautiful... bahhh I love it! And we came across some friendly cows, too. Cow-tipping would have been real easy for how close they were to us...

So, where's the bad ending, you may ask? Let me tell you. I just ate the most disappointing golden delicious apple I've eaten in quite some time. Golden delicious my left foot!! Try golden tasteless-and-bitter!! Bummer. Maybe this is what Barbara Kingsolver is talkking about in her tirade against supermarket out-of-season fruits and veggies. Ah, well, at least the texture was good.

Fin!

C'est la vie... la vie parfait

Can I just document the perfection of this moment, please? I am lying on the couch, wearing a snuggie, sipping coffee leftover and reheated from this morning, and listening to my favorite songs on iTunes. I bought a new book called Loving God with All Your Mind, and it is sitting to my left... I shall delve into it soon as I've finished this little post.

My, my... la vie est tres bon.

Food for thought

Whew. I feel like I've spent the day killing the fattened calf. Inspired to become more environmentally conscious, green, and resourceful, I decided to try my hand at making home-made broth out of the nasty, leftover turkey carcass from last night's fabulous dinner. I realize I have a ways to go before I can be stamped officially green... turkey was most definitely not free range or organically fed or grown, but as far as my suburban, frozen-meal upbringing is concerned, I feel as though I did alright. Yay for resourcefulness and for learning something new! But as far as the effort put into it... it boiled for four hours. I guess this wasn't a great deal of effort on my part, but it feels like it took all day anyways.

I've been reading a book called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. My friend Julia gave it to me with the highest recommendations, and that means a lot coming from someone as avid a reader as she. I was leery of it and left it sit on my bedside table for almost the entire semester before I picked it up over Thanksgiving. It's brilliant! The author has a passion for growing and eating foods the way they are meant to eaten: locally, without modifications, and only while in season. The book is a memoir of the first year that her family went "locavore," and I'm loving every minute of it. Pick up this book, it's a good one to chew on. ;)

Christmas thoughts

Wow, so it's been over a year since my last post, which was horribly discouraging by the way, but I am happy to report that I am in a much better state of mind and spirit. A year and a half has gone by- three semesters of classes, one summer, and almost two Christmases. As always, life is a journey... I wouldn't even know where to start if I were to try and recap all that's happened in that time. So I'm going to breeze right over all that and just blog to right now.

This morning I got up and decided to read the newspaper... that's right, you heard me! Weird. However, don't be too excited- I still spent most of my time in the light, rather unimportant sections: I read about the current east bay top atheletes, blitzed through the last-minutse Christmas shopping ads, and then went on to read the A-Z changes that have characterized our decade. I also read about a candlelight vigil held for some American hikers held captive in Iran since summer... sad. Can you imagine? Thinking you were on the adventure of a lifetime, and then being held prisoner- adventure? Oh yeah. Not one you'd want to have, though.

Reading the newspaper or watching the news always brings me back to the startling realization that my life is not everyone's life. This seems simple enough, but it's so easy for me to forget how different everyone's life is. Being in college puts me in a bubble-like setting, in which most everyone is in a very similar place as I. Everyone is wealthy, at least wealthy enough to be in college, which already puts them in the top 1% of the world, most everyone is young and learning how to be away from home, and most everyone is confused about where they want to go after they get done there. So the biggest stress in the world to me right now is thinking about what is going to happen to my life once I'm out of this socially constructed college environment. I believe that most anyone who is out of college or working and never been to college would laugh at my "problems," and then tell me something real.

The prospect of being done with school is exciting to me if I can get past the worried notion I have that I may just get out and fall on my face because I maybe haven't learned what I was supposed to in four years of undergrad. Whatever... hundreds of thousands of students have done it before me, and some have done better than others, but everyone can do well enough for themselves if they don't set up unrealistic or too specific expectations. What do I want? It's not like I want a yacht, or to be the CEO of some huge corporation, or even to live in a fancy-pants house? I just want to contribute something important to this world in which I live, and to feel fulfilled in doing so.

I guess I look forward to a time in my life when I'm not so uncertain about the future- will that ever come to be? Ha. Probably not. The best thing I can do is laugh about it. Hahahaha!

What's important right now? I am sitting in front of my christmas tree, decorated splendidly and brightly, reminding me of the reason that we took the time to put it up: Christmas, celebrating the birth of our beautiful savior. All my worries and all things else pale in importance next to Him. Who knew that a little baby would save the world? Jesus is who I should be focused on right now. And I think that's his intent: for us to focus on him rather than ourselves and our own worries. Didn't he say worrying was fleeting? I think he grew up a little bit before he started spewing wisdom... don't think he popped out of the womb and spoke words. Although... I would venture to guess that anyone who got to meet him in his state of infancy would not have been worried about a whole lot else in that moment.

Bless our savior this season, who is above all of of our worries.

Merry Christmas and Love.

Stuck in the Middle

I suppose that college really is a time of transition for everyone, a time where everyone is figuring out where they are going and who they are becoming as a person, where their place is in the world. I really had quite an easy transition into college life, as for the past few years of high school I had become fairly independent and was not spending a lot of time at home anymore.

What I am truly struggling with at the moment is the feeling that I really am torn between two different worlds: that of the one I left in Pleasanton and that of the one that I go back to for nine months every year at Sonoma State. It's not like I feel like one can only exist in one of these places at a time, but I am definitely struggling with the feeling that the people in each of these places only exists within that setting- and I want the people in my life to be a part of my whole life, not just half of it. I don't know if this is a wrong feeling to have? I feel like I am the same person whether I am at home or at school, so that is definitely not the dillema.

This is definitely something I have not experienced before; for the most part, I had many of the same friends through middle school (and some even from elementary!), and had not moved since I was about eight.

I guess what it comes to is this: I love everyone in my life so much that I feel I am letting them down when I don't keep in contact with them well enough when I'm on the "other side" (sonoma or pleasanton). But at the same time- I've been finding that even when I haven't kept good contact, I still share a good connection with my best friends when we are reunited. If we want the friendship to last, it will. Time and distance may make it harder, but they cannot make it impossible.

This entry made no sense. But neither do my thoughts. Bah hum bug.

and as my first year of college comes to a close...

I guess I should start off this entry with my admitting that this blog did not turn out as I expected... all that mumbo jumbo about "needing to write" because it's what I do and all? Hah. Funny. I guess maybe that's one thing I did learn about myself this semester.

My inspiration for picking up this thing again comes from a combination of things:
1- it is 1:19 am, my roommate is asleep, and it is that time of night when I tend to get super reflective
2- no class tomorrow! (so the above reason is valid)
3- Elise Muetterties- her blogs always inspire me... just seeing how much she has grown over the past year and what God has been doing in her life... I want to write about what God's been doing in mine and share it with you too! (thank you Elise!)

Where to start? I think it may just be impossible to accurately and fully summarize this entire year in one sitting... at one in the morning. So shall I brief you on a few highlights of my year at sonoma state?

I'll start with the people I have met. I cannot get over how incredibly, incredibly blessed I feel to have all of these incredible people in my life. Coming to sonoma, I really had no idea what to expect as far as roommates, who I would be friends with, if I would find a church that I could feel I truly belonged to, etc etc. God is so good- all 5 of my roommates are wonderful girls that I love dearly, and my suitemate Kelley and I bonded almost instantly through our similar music tastes, gym trips (which didn't last too long for me...), and our faith. And how lucky I have been to have her... I think I really didn't even realize until this semester how amazing it is to live with someone that I can laugh with, be held accountable by, and know that she loves me as a sister no matter how rude I am to her in the mornings. And all seriousness aside... we're a little crazy together. We may be two serious sallys when it comes to getting things done, but our inside jokes and the way we can just hang out and end up laughing our pants off is incredible. I have learned so much from this girl and she has inspired me and encouraged me like crazy this whole year. I am certain that I would not have had the same college experience thus far without her. Ohh man oh man.

As for the picture above... We performed "I love my lips" for our mission trip fundraiser talent show! We practiced and practiced and practiced. It was a total doozy. I shall say no more. You really had to be there.

Next year, I will be living with 5 girls that I have gotten close with this year and look forward to getting even closer with living with them. It will be an entirely new experience to live with all Christians... I am excited because I feel like we will have such incredible opportunity for growth, encouragement, accountability, and definitely very importantly, tons of fun times. At the same time though, I am nervous because I know that with great power comes great responsibility. And as a group of 6 girls who all look to God as our teacher, God is giving us so much opportunity to witness to those around us. I am praying that we will use this incredible opportunity to the fullest extent... in opening our home to scared freshmen, in communicating lovingly as much as possible, in genuinely caring for people around us.

I was going to write a bit about all the people here... but I realize how intimidating a feat that would be. Pictures shall have to suffice.

However, one person I really cannot skip over in my writings is Chris Webb. This boy came out of nowhere at the end of last semester, and I have had the crazy awesome opportunity to get to know him over the course of this semester. I have never known anyone quite like him... every day that I get to know him better, I appreciate him more and more. Words really cannot do justice to my gratitude for having him as a part of my life. Once again... God, you work in crazy ways.

This year has been quite defining, in a ironic kinda sense- I have been realizing that I really do not know where I am going or what my future holds and that I am going to have to be patient with God if I am to keep sane. God has a plan- He just isn't ready to reveal it to me yet. My plan of becoming a nurse sure changed after I got a D in chemistry... School is not as easy for me as it was all through my junior high and high school years, and in this sense of failure I am learning to appreciate more and more the grace of God's love and acceptance despite my inadequacies. I find peace in knowing that God made me with a specific purpose in mind, and that doing something outside that purpose is actually hindering myself. That purpose may not be the highly-paid, well-respected job that I always imagined I'd graduate college and immediately start on... we shall see.

Intervarsity christian fellowship has been such a blessing as well. This is still relating to the amazing people in my life... because never before have I felt such an amazing sense of community as with this organization. And before I even elaborate I'd like to really thank the one who invented community, and the love and friendship that goes with it. God truly has blessed this community, and He is the only one who could set the foundation for it. Sonoma is a fairly small campus as far as public schools go, but it feels even smaller and more like home when I can't even walk into the coffee shop without being hugged by 5 fellow christians. And community is never perfect, this I know well; but we can only try to come together and support one another in our struggles, celebrate our triumphs, and altogether follow Jesus and aim to serve him with our lives and actions. I am so excited to see how God uses Intervarsity in the upcoming years; it has almost doubled since last year (from what I've heard).

This summer, I have been given the amazing opportunity to serve in the Dominican Republic for two weeks alongside my team below and the on-site missionaries. I am crazy excited, but probably more nervous about it than I have ever been for anything in my life. I know that it will be way out of my comfort zone, but I also know that God will give me the strength to endure and the will to serve. All it takes is faith... something I have been learning a lot about this year.

Just as I expected, this blog did not even nearly nearly nearly do this year at sonoma state justice. Freshman year has been an experience: I am not the same person that I was when I left Pleasanton about 9 months ago. God has stretched me this year, taught me, tested me, broken me, and blessed me beyond belief with fun times and incredible friends. I've learned the horrors of caf food, dealt with the sonoma aroma, lived with 5 girls (not always easy), nearly failed a class, and learned that studying for midterms the morning of doesn't always cut it. I've learned that things are not always going to come easy for me, I've learned that I probably will always have doubts but that ignoring them does not solve the problem. I've learned that God still has a lot of work to do in me, but also that I cannot wait until I think I'm flawless before I start reaching out to others and serving Him. I've gotten into a lot of silly arguments for the sake of arguing, eaten lots of cheap convenience store food at odd hours in the night, gone stargazing and had midnight denny's runs and picked up an Office addiction... I've spent hours in coffee shops and had some very very memorable conversations. I've been awkward and then gotten over it, thought I was over it and then was awkward again...

It's been a good year. Amen. Amen. Next year is going to be just as amazing, maybe even better? Who knows.

Well, here's to a new blog.

So apparently Xanga is no more. I've been quite the fan of Xanga for most of high school, but it seems that everyone that blogs uses this snazzy little site. Which I rather like so far, by the way.

I often wonder what the purpose of blogging is... it seems a lot of people use it as a release for their deepest feelings and thoughts and rants in the hopes of being anonymous while still knowing that someone out in this vast cyberworld will hear them. Some people blog because it is simply something to do. Hum. So why does this girl right here blog? For the sake of it? For anonymity? Nah. I blog because I have to- writing is something that has been ingrained within me, and whether it's in a blog or on a note on facebook or in a journal, I must do it. So for everything I write here- most of it probably will be uninteresting to people aside from myself. But perhaps something that I am going through and write about will inspire or encourage someone else who is going through the same thing?

So this blog will be used as... we'll see. We'll see what happens with it. I pray that occasionally this would reach someone who may be able to identify with and be encouraged by my struggles, my failures, my joys, and my successes. And I myself am by no means extraordinary enough that I am worthy of reading about, but God has given me an incredible gift of life and I feel like it would be a crime to keep that all to myself. So this blog is about life. In words. So take what you want from it. I'll put what I can into it.

<3

ps- Who invented the word blog? I hereby vow to never use that word again...