Stuck in the Middle

I suppose that college really is a time of transition for everyone, a time where everyone is figuring out where they are going and who they are becoming as a person, where their place is in the world. I really had quite an easy transition into college life, as for the past few years of high school I had become fairly independent and was not spending a lot of time at home anymore.

What I am truly struggling with at the moment is the feeling that I really am torn between two different worlds: that of the one I left in Pleasanton and that of the one that I go back to for nine months every year at Sonoma State. It's not like I feel like one can only exist in one of these places at a time, but I am definitely struggling with the feeling that the people in each of these places only exists within that setting- and I want the people in my life to be a part of my whole life, not just half of it. I don't know if this is a wrong feeling to have? I feel like I am the same person whether I am at home or at school, so that is definitely not the dillema.

This is definitely something I have not experienced before; for the most part, I had many of the same friends through middle school (and some even from elementary!), and had not moved since I was about eight.

I guess what it comes to is this: I love everyone in my life so much that I feel I am letting them down when I don't keep in contact with them well enough when I'm on the "other side" (sonoma or pleasanton). But at the same time- I've been finding that even when I haven't kept good contact, I still share a good connection with my best friends when we are reunited. If we want the friendship to last, it will. Time and distance may make it harder, but they cannot make it impossible.

This entry made no sense. But neither do my thoughts. Bah hum bug.

and as my first year of college comes to a close...

I guess I should start off this entry with my admitting that this blog did not turn out as I expected... all that mumbo jumbo about "needing to write" because it's what I do and all? Hah. Funny. I guess maybe that's one thing I did learn about myself this semester.

My inspiration for picking up this thing again comes from a combination of things:
1- it is 1:19 am, my roommate is asleep, and it is that time of night when I tend to get super reflective
2- no class tomorrow! (so the above reason is valid)
3- Elise Muetterties- her blogs always inspire me... just seeing how much she has grown over the past year and what God has been doing in her life... I want to write about what God's been doing in mine and share it with you too! (thank you Elise!)

Where to start? I think it may just be impossible to accurately and fully summarize this entire year in one sitting... at one in the morning. So shall I brief you on a few highlights of my year at sonoma state?

I'll start with the people I have met. I cannot get over how incredibly, incredibly blessed I feel to have all of these incredible people in my life. Coming to sonoma, I really had no idea what to expect as far as roommates, who I would be friends with, if I would find a church that I could feel I truly belonged to, etc etc. God is so good- all 5 of my roommates are wonderful girls that I love dearly, and my suitemate Kelley and I bonded almost instantly through our similar music tastes, gym trips (which didn't last too long for me...), and our faith. And how lucky I have been to have her... I think I really didn't even realize until this semester how amazing it is to live with someone that I can laugh with, be held accountable by, and know that she loves me as a sister no matter how rude I am to her in the mornings. And all seriousness aside... we're a little crazy together. We may be two serious sallys when it comes to getting things done, but our inside jokes and the way we can just hang out and end up laughing our pants off is incredible. I have learned so much from this girl and she has inspired me and encouraged me like crazy this whole year. I am certain that I would not have had the same college experience thus far without her. Ohh man oh man.

As for the picture above... We performed "I love my lips" for our mission trip fundraiser talent show! We practiced and practiced and practiced. It was a total doozy. I shall say no more. You really had to be there.

Next year, I will be living with 5 girls that I have gotten close with this year and look forward to getting even closer with living with them. It will be an entirely new experience to live with all Christians... I am excited because I feel like we will have such incredible opportunity for growth, encouragement, accountability, and definitely very importantly, tons of fun times. At the same time though, I am nervous because I know that with great power comes great responsibility. And as a group of 6 girls who all look to God as our teacher, God is giving us so much opportunity to witness to those around us. I am praying that we will use this incredible opportunity to the fullest extent... in opening our home to scared freshmen, in communicating lovingly as much as possible, in genuinely caring for people around us.

I was going to write a bit about all the people here... but I realize how intimidating a feat that would be. Pictures shall have to suffice.

However, one person I really cannot skip over in my writings is Chris Webb. This boy came out of nowhere at the end of last semester, and I have had the crazy awesome opportunity to get to know him over the course of this semester. I have never known anyone quite like him... every day that I get to know him better, I appreciate him more and more. Words really cannot do justice to my gratitude for having him as a part of my life. Once again... God, you work in crazy ways.

This year has been quite defining, in a ironic kinda sense- I have been realizing that I really do not know where I am going or what my future holds and that I am going to have to be patient with God if I am to keep sane. God has a plan- He just isn't ready to reveal it to me yet. My plan of becoming a nurse sure changed after I got a D in chemistry... School is not as easy for me as it was all through my junior high and high school years, and in this sense of failure I am learning to appreciate more and more the grace of God's love and acceptance despite my inadequacies. I find peace in knowing that God made me with a specific purpose in mind, and that doing something outside that purpose is actually hindering myself. That purpose may not be the highly-paid, well-respected job that I always imagined I'd graduate college and immediately start on... we shall see.

Intervarsity christian fellowship has been such a blessing as well. This is still relating to the amazing people in my life... because never before have I felt such an amazing sense of community as with this organization. And before I even elaborate I'd like to really thank the one who invented community, and the love and friendship that goes with it. God truly has blessed this community, and He is the only one who could set the foundation for it. Sonoma is a fairly small campus as far as public schools go, but it feels even smaller and more like home when I can't even walk into the coffee shop without being hugged by 5 fellow christians. And community is never perfect, this I know well; but we can only try to come together and support one another in our struggles, celebrate our triumphs, and altogether follow Jesus and aim to serve him with our lives and actions. I am so excited to see how God uses Intervarsity in the upcoming years; it has almost doubled since last year (from what I've heard).

This summer, I have been given the amazing opportunity to serve in the Dominican Republic for two weeks alongside my team below and the on-site missionaries. I am crazy excited, but probably more nervous about it than I have ever been for anything in my life. I know that it will be way out of my comfort zone, but I also know that God will give me the strength to endure and the will to serve. All it takes is faith... something I have been learning a lot about this year.

Just as I expected, this blog did not even nearly nearly nearly do this year at sonoma state justice. Freshman year has been an experience: I am not the same person that I was when I left Pleasanton about 9 months ago. God has stretched me this year, taught me, tested me, broken me, and blessed me beyond belief with fun times and incredible friends. I've learned the horrors of caf food, dealt with the sonoma aroma, lived with 5 girls (not always easy), nearly failed a class, and learned that studying for midterms the morning of doesn't always cut it. I've learned that things are not always going to come easy for me, I've learned that I probably will always have doubts but that ignoring them does not solve the problem. I've learned that God still has a lot of work to do in me, but also that I cannot wait until I think I'm flawless before I start reaching out to others and serving Him. I've gotten into a lot of silly arguments for the sake of arguing, eaten lots of cheap convenience store food at odd hours in the night, gone stargazing and had midnight denny's runs and picked up an Office addiction... I've spent hours in coffee shops and had some very very memorable conversations. I've been awkward and then gotten over it, thought I was over it and then was awkward again...

It's been a good year. Amen. Amen. Next year is going to be just as amazing, maybe even better? Who knows.

Well, here's to a new blog.

So apparently Xanga is no more. I've been quite the fan of Xanga for most of high school, but it seems that everyone that blogs uses this snazzy little site. Which I rather like so far, by the way.

I often wonder what the purpose of blogging is... it seems a lot of people use it as a release for their deepest feelings and thoughts and rants in the hopes of being anonymous while still knowing that someone out in this vast cyberworld will hear them. Some people blog because it is simply something to do. Hum. So why does this girl right here blog? For the sake of it? For anonymity? Nah. I blog because I have to- writing is something that has been ingrained within me, and whether it's in a blog or on a note on facebook or in a journal, I must do it. So for everything I write here- most of it probably will be uninteresting to people aside from myself. But perhaps something that I am going through and write about will inspire or encourage someone else who is going through the same thing?

So this blog will be used as... we'll see. We'll see what happens with it. I pray that occasionally this would reach someone who may be able to identify with and be encouraged by my struggles, my failures, my joys, and my successes. And I myself am by no means extraordinary enough that I am worthy of reading about, but God has given me an incredible gift of life and I feel like it would be a crime to keep that all to myself. So this blog is about life. In words. So take what you want from it. I'll put what I can into it.

<3

ps- Who invented the word blog? I hereby vow to never use that word again...